


a conversation between soulmates

by Bellakitse



Series: A series of conversations [2]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions of Alex Manes/Forest, Michael makes some poor decisions, Minor Maria DeLuca/Michael Guerin, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 12:50:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21458350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bellakitse/pseuds/Bellakitse
Summary: “He and Forest broke up,” Liz tells him with a small smile on her lips when he looks at her with what he knows are wide eyes. “Just thought you should know.”***The companion piece to 'A conversation between insignificant others' Michael's POV.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Series: A series of conversations [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1546852
Comments: 35
Kudos: 262





	a conversation between soulmates

**Author's Note:**

> someone asked for Malex's POV to my Forest & Maria fic, and Michael came a'knocking with some shitty decision making and cowboy angst. I do love this idiot even as he makes me shake my head at him.

Michael knows he’s opening a can of worms before they even arrive at the Crashdown, Maria smiles at him as they park his truck, and he feels like an absolute jackass, because while she thinks that he asked her out for burgers and fries like a normal couple, all Michael can think of is of earlier how Alex smiled down at his phone reading a text from his boyfriend confirming their plans for dinner. He pauses for a moment and looks at the café through the windshield. He can turn the truck back on; he can turn to Maria and convince her to go somewhere else. He can stop right now; he hasn’t done anything _yet_.

He doesn’t.

Instead, he opens the door to his truck and heads for the diner with Maria holding on to his arm. He tells himself he’s just curious about the guy. He’s seen him once or twice in passing, in the distance, making Alex smile and laugh, and he’s curious about him. Just because he and Alex aren’t together doesn’t mean he doesn’t love him; doesn’t worry about him. All he wants is to see the guy for himself and make sure he’s worthy of Alex.

That’s it.

He holds the door for Maria and a little voice that sounds like Alex calls him a liar.

A miserable liar.

He lets out a breath of both relief and dread as he spots Alex and his blue-haired boyfriend by the counter talking to Liz, obviously having just gotten there themselves. He smiles down at Maria when she freezes at the sight of them, hoping it puts her at ease. He knows that she and Alex have been spending more time together, trying to get over the awkwardness between them, but that doesn’t change the fact that the tension is still there.

He ignores the voice in his head once again as it whispers that the tension between them is his doing, and what he plans on doing next won’t help it.

He takes a step towards the other couple, studying them before Alex spots them. He takes in the way Alex has his arm around Forest’s waist while he talks with Liz. The way Forest casually leans against him. It’s obvious to anyone with eyes that their relationship is intimate, and there is a dull throb under Michael’s ribcage.

He never got to have that with Alex. He never got to be seen out in the world on his arm, and look at him adoringly the way Forest looks at him now. He wonders if it were him with Alex instead of Forest, would Alex be comfortable with him too. Would he benefit from the work Alex has done on himself to overcome the years of abuse and internalized homophobia his father inflicted on him? He resents Forest for coming along when Alex was finally ready to be his true self out in the world. When he has been waiting so long for the same thing.

The voice whispers that Alex was ready to be this way with him when he came to him at the airstream months ago and that it was _he_ who ran away into the arms of someone else instead of fighting for what he has wanted for so long.

“Hi,” he calls out as he and Maria walk over to the trio.

“Hey guys,” Liz greets them as Alex turns around, his face perfectly blank as he looks at them, it’s a familiar look on his face in their presence. He wonders if it hurts Maria the way it hurts him, he thinks the answer is yes by the way she tenses next to him.

“Here for dinner?” Liz questions, blatantly ignoring the mood.

Maria nods at her friend and then looks at Alex. “Hey Alex, Forest,” she greets with a weak smile at them, Michael knows she’s met the boyfriend at least once before.

Alex gives her a small smile of his own; both have been trying hard to rebuild their friendship.

“Michael Guerin,” he says, sticking his hand out to Alex’s boyfriend when everyone goes quiet.

“Forest,” he gets in return with an easy handshake.

“Are you guys staying for dinner too?” Michael questions Forest, continuing before anyone can answer. “We should eat together.”

He doesn't look at Alex but feels his eyes on the side of his face. He knows Alex is giving him a _‘what the fuck are you doing’_ look. Maria does the same.

Forest smiles at him, and Michael calls himself a dick once more for what he’s doing, but he can’t seem to stop himself.

“Sure,” Forest says easily, looking up at Alex for confirmation, it fills him with a sick satisfaction that Forest doesn’t know Alex well enough to see the smile he gives him back is fake. “It will be nice to get to know Alex’s friends.”

Michael smiles back at him, all teeth, and ignores the glare that Alex sents him before following Forest towards a booth. He takes a step forward when Maria digs her nails into his forearm, stopping him. He looks back at her and holds his breath as he waits for her to say something. In the end, she says nothing, she just looks at him, like she can see through him, it’s the same look she gets when she’s reading someone. Her shoulders drop, and she shakes her head but follows Alex and Forest to the booth, sliding in first.

It feels like a moment they can’t walk back from.

Sitting next to her, he has Alex across the table, silent and stony as he looks at him. What follows is the most awkward dinner of his life, but given that he set this in motion, he figures he has nothing to complain about.

The conversation is stiff, given that Alex and Maria talk very little if not at all, only if Forest asks a direct question of them. Liz comes to take their order and doesn’t linger, she just makes a face at him and Michael realizes that it’s just one more person who is going to be pissed with him after tonight. It doesn’t take long for Forest to be clued in on the friction, given the death glare Michael can’t help but give him every time he gets close to Alex. Maria grows tenser at his side, her back straight, and she’s put distance between them, he already knows how this night is going to end for them, and he feels the loss. He’s going to lose her as a friend because he’s an idiot that didn’t realize earlier that friends are all they should have ever been.

Liz comes back with their food and places a cookie & cream milkshake Alex didn’t order in front of him, when Alex looks up at her questioningly Liz smiles at him, before placing a strawberry one in front of Maria that she didn’t order either. The pair look at each other and smile their first real smile at each other and then at Liz.

Alex reaches for a fry and dips it into his milkshake while Forest stares at him, not being able to hide his grossed-out look, Alex looks up and grins at them as he bites into his dripping fry.

Maria huffs out a laugh, obviously used to it, and Alex shrugs at Forest.

“It tastes better that way,” he says softly just as Alex says the same thing. Alex startles and looks over at him, Forest and Maria too.

He doesn’t know what his face is showing them, but Forest looks at him like he’s just realizing something, while Maria looks sad. He doesn’t focus on them for long. He can’t when Alex is still looking at him, searching. He’s glared at him all night, especially when he asked Forest pointed questions, but now something softens in Alex's expression, and it steals Michael’s breath away.

“Have you finally conceded to my superior tastebuds?” Alex asks, amused.

Michael shakes his head and has to bite his lip to keep from grinning when Alex rolls his eyes at him.

“You’ll agree with me eventually, Guerin,” Alex promises him, pointing a fry at him before dipping it. “You’ll see, I have all the time in the world.”

“A decade isn’t enough?” he asks, swallowing hard when Alex’s eyes lock with his, wide and unguarded. He thinks he sees something there, worth holding on to.

Alex licks his lips, shaking his head. “No,” he says quietly after a long pause. “I guess it isn’t.”

Michael lets out a breath; he didn’t realize he was holding. Hope is a dangerous thing, but Michael can’t help but have it.

***

Maria doesn’t say a word to him as they drive back to her place after dinner. Nobody had really after a while, not even Liz when she gave them the bill.

He parks outside her apartment and waits, just because she hasn’t said anything, doesn’t mean he hasn’t felt what’s coming build as he drove.

“Just tell me why?” she finally speaks, her gaze forward, away from him. “Why even start this? If you feel the way you feel about him, so much so that _I _can feel it. Why even start this with me?” she turns to him, more confused than angry.

“I needed something simple, something that didn’t hurt,” he answers honestly, wincing when she lets out a harsh laugh.

“Didn’t hurt _you_, maybe,” she tells him, her dark eyes narrowing as she continues. “But this has hurt_ me_, and I know it’s hurt _Alex_.”

He licks his dry lips and nods in agreement, yes, he knows he’s hurt them both and not just now.

“And tonight, Guerin?” she questions, shaking her head. “You planned that, why? Why put me through that?”

“It wasn’t about you,” he tells her, feeling like the world’s biggest asshole as she lets out a wounded sound, he’s not sure she’s ever going to speak to him again after this, but he owes her honesty if nothing else. “I’m sorry, that’s horrible, I know, and I’m an asshole for it, but it wasn’t about you or hurting you. It was about him, about being around him, seeing if Forest is good enough for him.”

Maria laughs again, and it comes out wet. “It was about Alex alright, but not about whether his boyfriend is good enough for him or not, that’s a lie. You’re never going to think anyone is good enough for him that isn’t you.”

Michael doesn’t say anything to that.

“You’re not by the way,” Maria looks at him, and she’s angry but not just on her behalf anymore, but Alex’s. “Putting him through this proves that,” she spits out.

He flinches at that, and she looks at him, sighing tiredly. “Not that it matters because he loves you just as stupidly as you love him,” she tells him, being kinder than he deserves, and they sit there in the silence of their dying relationship.

“I know it means shit right now,” he says after a moment, facing her head-on, and Maria looks back at him with a raised eyebrow, waiting. “But I’m sorry about tonight. I’m sorry for all of it.”

She looks at him some more. “I wish I could hate you,” she whispers, tears now running down her face. “I need you to not come around me for a while, okay?”

Michael nods, feeling a knot in his throat, she returns the gesture and gets out of his truck before looking back at him one more time.

“I hope he makes you work for it, Guerin,” she tells him truthfully. “And I hope you rise to the challenge if he gives you a chance, he deserves that.”

***

When he gets home, Alex's SUV is parked to the side, and Alex is sitting by the fire pit that he has lit. He watches him as he gets out of his truck. The light of the fire playing shadows across Alex's face. Michael's heart races under his shirt, and he wonders how he ever, even for one-second thought he could be over this, over him, and if only he had realized this sooner, he wouldn't have dragged the people he cares about into his mess.

He's lost Maria, and he doesn't honestly know if she'll ever welcome him back into her life. He hopes so, losing her friendship has left a stinging feeling under his skin.

He looks at Alex now, takes in the tightness of his shoulders, the pinched expression on his face, and wonders if he’s about to lose him too.

“You want to tell me what that was all about, Guerin?” he asks as Michael gets closer, he looks confused and hurt. He wishes for a moment that Alex was angry at the shit he pulled tonight, angry he can handle, a hurt Alex not so much.

Michael thinks about every excuse he’s been using all night to explain his behavior and finds that they die on the tip of his tongue. Lying now will get him nowhere.

“I hate that you’re with him,” he starts, and it opens up the floodgates of everything he’s been trying to ignore. “I hate you being with anyone else but me. I hate that he gets to hold your hand in public and go on dates with you when it’s all I ever wanted, and it’s _still_ all I want. I want to be the one to hold you, to kiss you, to be with you. I want to be the one, and it drives me crazy that it’s him and not me.”

Alex takes in a sharp breath. “Guerin-“

“I have no excuse for tonight,” he continues. “I knew you would be there with Forest.”

Alex gives him a look that says, _‘no shit.’_

“I don’t know what I was trying to do,” he admits. “I just couldn’t help myself. I had to see it with my own two eyes, see the two of you together,” he says quietly, taking a step forward, the light of the fire catches Alex’s eyes, and he can see the pain and uncertainty in them. “I hated it.”

Alex licks his lips before speaking quietly. “You’re with Maria; you _chose_ Maria.”

Michael’s stomach twists at the pain he hears in Alex’s voice, he’s known his decision hurt Alex, but Alex has been very careful in not letting it show. When it first happened, Alex quietly respected his choice and told him he was still his family no matter what. Since then, Alex has treated him like a friend. Never stepping over the invisible line, they both put down between them. Now though, there is a rawness in Alex’s expression that makes Michael want to gather him in his arms and not let go until he’s eased the pain he’s caused with his poor choices.

“We broke up,” he tells Alex, the words are not completely out of his mouth, but he can see they’re exactly the wrong thing to say, as Alex’s expression shutters.

“She broke up with you,” Alex says with a cynical smile, he looks away from Michael but not before he sees the tears in them. “And now you want me.”

“Alex, no,” he tries, taking another step, only for Alex to take one back.

Alex shakes his head as he backs away. “I’m not a replacement for your easy relationship that turned out to be harder than you thought.”

“Alex-“ he tries again, but Alex looks at him with one last hurt look and turns around, heading for his car. He watches as Alex leaves. It’s a familiar sight that he should be used to by now, yet it doesn’t hurt any less. It might actually hurt more this time because he has no one to blame but himself.

He sits down on the chair Alex had been using with a tired sigh. _“Fuck.”_

***

He avoids town for the rest of the week, he avoids everyone, or at least he tries. Liz shows up at the junkyard five days after the dinner at the Crashdown with burgers and a stern face.

“You really fucked up this time Mikey,” she tells him bluntly with a glare even as she passes him the food.

He nods, agreeing with her, and Liz lets out a sigh, her face softening as she sits down across from him.

“I have spent time with both of them,” she tells him and then stops, he waits to see if she’ll tell him more or let him twist in the wind. “I found them together at the Wild Pony after closing, two nights ago.”

Liz lets out a small chuckle. “There was obviously a lot of alcohol and tears by the looks of it, all over the same guy.”

Michael swallows hard and looks away when Liz gives him a pointed look.

“But I think it was good,” she continues, reassuring him. “I think they came out stronger for it in the end, and they’ll be okay.”

Michael lets out a breath, relieved for that if nothing else.

“That’s good, that’s-“ he cuts himself off, and he lets out a self-deprecating laugh. “I’m glad I didn’t ruin their friendship.”

Liz smiles softly, but Michael can tell it’s not for him, but for her best friends. “They’re too strong for that.”

Michael nods again, they both quiet down, not knowing what to say, and after a moment, Liz gets up.

“I should go and let you enjoy your food in peace.”

Michael stands up with her, placing the bag on the chair. “Thanks Liz,” he says softly, letting out a surprised sound when she steps up to him and gives him a hug, which he returns after a moment.

Liz pulls back to look at him. “They’re my best friends,” she tells him, her hand reaching up to touch his cheek. “But you’re my friend too.”

Michael smiles, thankful that she’s not angry at him for hurting two of the people she cares about the most, and hugs her again one more time. With a smile, she takes a step out of their embrace and heads for her car, looking back at him when she gets to the door.

“He and Forest broke up,” Liz tells him with a small smile on her lips when he looks at her with what he knows are wide eyes. “Just thought you should know.”

***

He turns his truck around twice before he finally mans up and makes it to Alex’s. He knows that just because Alex and Forest aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean he suddenly has a shot. The hurt and doubt on Alex’s face are burned into his mind reminding him, but he has to try.

He loves Alex, and that isn’t something that’s going to go away, he doesn’t _want_ it to go away. He remembers what Maria last said to him about being up for the challenge of loving Alex the way he deserves, and all he can hope is that he still has a chance to prove that he can.

Alex’s car is parked out front, and the lights are on in the cabin when he arrives, he takes a steady breath to calm his nerves as he gets out and walks up the small set of steps to his door, knocking before he loses his nerve.

The door opens to reveal Alex, in sweats and a worn t-shirt.

Buffy, Alex’s beagle, barks happily at their feet, budding her head against Michael’s shin as a greeting, and Michael looks at her with a smile, reaching down to pat her before straightening up to look back at Alex.

He takes him in, the way he looks soft, dressed down like maybe he was resting before Michael showed up, and all Michael wants is to step into his space and feel if he’s as warm as he looks. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Alex greets back softly, taking a step back to widen the entry space, and Michael can’t help the flicker of hope being allowed in Alex’s home sparks inside him. He steps through the door into the living room and finds that there is a book and a quilt rumpled on the couch. He can picture Alex there easily, reading under the covers with Buffy by his feet, and he wants so badly to be apart of that picture, sitting at the other end of the couch, distracting Alex from his book. He wants to be on the receiving end of that amused smile, Alex lets out when he’s charmed but doesn’t want to show it, he wants to crawl into Alex’s lap, his hands in Michael’s hair the way he likes to do as they get lost in each other.

He can picture it so clearly, and he wants it all.

He turns to face Alex. “I heard about you and Forest,” he starts, and Alex raises an eyebrow at him. “Liz stopped by,” he explains. “I guess I was pathetic enough. She took pity and came to feed me.”

Alex’s lips quirk upward, and he comes over, taking his seat back on the couch, gesturing to the space next to him for Michael to sit.

“Are you here to tell me you’re sorry we broke up?” Alex asks sarcastically, and Michael lets out a sound.

“So you can call me a liar?” he questions, giving Alex a half-smile, grateful when Alex doesn’t look upset with him. “I am sorry if you’re hurting because of it.”

Alex lets out a deep sigh, leaning back on the couch, looking up towards the ceiling. “I _should _be hurting because of it,” he starts, his voice low. “He’s a really good guy, and he has been nothing but kind to me, I should be heart-broken that he ended things.”

Michael keeps quiet; there is nothing for him to say when the love of his life is telling him about his failed relationship with another man.

Alex turns his head towards him, his eyes so dark, but gentle and that silly flicker of hope burns brighter. “He came and told me that he loved me and that if he thought there was ever a chance I could stop loving you and love him, he would stick it out for however long that took.”

“Alex, I-“

“I couldn’t lie to him,” Alex whispers, and Michael holds his breath. “I’ve loved you since I was seventeen. I’ve never stopped. I don’t know how.”

Michael feels his heart thunder under his chest; with a breath, he forces out a question he’s afraid to know the answer to. “Do you want to?”

Alex stares at him for a moment before shaking his head. “No,” he answers, his voice steady. “I never want to stop loving you.”

Michael lets out a wet sound and blinks a few times, but he can’t stop the tears that have started falling, not when Alex is moving, not when Alex is pulling him into his arms.

He clings to him, his face buried in the crook of Alex’s neck as Alex holds him, and he shakes.

“I know I fucked up,” he says after a while, his voice rough from his tears. He leans back to look at Alex. Reaching up to wipe the tears on Alex’s face, getting a small smile in return. “I messed up with you, I messed up with Maria, I messed up the other night and have been messing up for months,” he rushes to tell him, the words spilling out of him in waves. “It’s no excuse, but I was a mess after Caulfield and just kept screwing things up.”

Alex gives him an understanding look. “I know.”

“I want to make it better,” he continues, his hands holding onto Alex’s shoulders. “I love you Alex. I know I haven’t been the best at showing it, but I love you so fucking much, and I want to be with you. I want us to work at it. We can go as slow as you want, get to know each other again. Please tell me we can try, please tell me there’s still a chance for us to get it right.”

“I spoke to Maria, after Forest,” Alex tells him, and he lets out a sound that is almost a laugh. “We drank, we cried, we talked.”

Michael nods, already knowing this from Liz.

“She told me what she said to you when you guys broke up, about making you work for it,” Alex says with a small smirk. “That I deserve that.”

Michael nods again; he’s ready to work hard if it means he gets to have Alex again.

“She wasn’t totally right,” Alex touches the side of his face, his fingers touching the end of his curls. “We _both_ have to work for it; we both deserve the best of each other.”

Alex smiles at him with a bright, beautiful smile so reminiscent of when they were young, and Michael is just so in love with it, and with Alex, he stares.

“So, do you want to work at it?” Alex asks, the hope inside Michael reflecting back in Alex’s eyes.

“Yes,” he breathes out.

It earns him another blinding smile from Alex, and he feels it against his mouth when Alex leans in to kiss him.

There are still things they need to talk about, things he needs to try to mend like his friendship with Maria, hopefully.

But as Alex kisses him softly, he figures as he gets lost in the loving feeling of being back in Alex’s arms, that it can be a conversation for another day.


End file.
